You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
