My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Someone shattered a urinal.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
