I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize