i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
