I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
