my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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