My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
