the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
