dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
