Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
