I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
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