have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize