Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
