at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
