garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
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