No period for spring break; use this wisely.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
