Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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