Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Randomize
