if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I did not marry a roomba.
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