The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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