Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Your penis caused this!
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
