i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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