if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
4 words: hood of his car
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
