hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Randomize
