Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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