The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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