3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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