fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize