i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
