he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Randomize
