I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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