i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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