we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
