This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
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