please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Randomize
