You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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