you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
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