Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
