I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
