I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
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