But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
