i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
