a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Vodka?
Forever.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
