$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
