I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
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