i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
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