Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
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