Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
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