so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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