my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
