Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Randomize
