I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
