So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Be still, my beating vagina.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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