I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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