I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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