im six kinds of drunk right now
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
