Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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