I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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