I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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