I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize