Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
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