that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
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