Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
