i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
