believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
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