I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize