So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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