Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Randomize
