sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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