So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize