um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
