She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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