This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
